mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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