y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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