Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
