his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
