We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
This is the high leading the old right now
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize