I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's shark week go big or go home
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
