Ketchup is God's man juice
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
