I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize