Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
