I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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