Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
