My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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