Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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