How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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