I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
