I will die if light touches me.
zippers are such a cool invention
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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