even my farts smell like vagina
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
