Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
