I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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