If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Randomize
