There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
