We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
