Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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