it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I met the friendliest cop last night
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
