She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
