Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize