I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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