i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
