Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize