I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
