i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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