I feel like I'm in dance class right now
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
