she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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