I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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