note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
