Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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