I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Randomize
