i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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