I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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