where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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