You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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