i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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