yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
