So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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