so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
