Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
