Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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