The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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