hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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