If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
