Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize