my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
