This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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