So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So much rum. So many feels.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
