You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
