Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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