I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
