I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
