shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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