Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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