If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
