Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
