Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
