I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
