As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
