The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize